What do you do when you have vowed to stand by someones side, for better or for worse, til death do you part...and that person immediately cashes in his 'for worse' card? I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you what I have done. Maybe just hearing that someone else knows what you're going through can ease a little bit of your pain. I've clenched my teeth, I've beat up pillows, I've used my car as a 'scream at the top of you lungs' chamber, I've cried, I've begged, I've been a perfect wife, I've been a horrible wife. I've been what I can be, and in the end I have stood by my husband's side, for better or for worse.
How did I get here in the first place? Long story short, I met Bobby 7 years ago, we were just friends, he pursued me, I was attracted by his persistence, we started dating, we were madly in love, Bobby's good friend killed himself, his best friend/our roommate became enraged with jealousy over the happiness Bobby and I shared and he began stalking us and trying everything in his power to destroy our relationship, we moved out and moved on with our lives, or so I thought.
By that point, we had been dating for three years. Our relationship had been dinged up, but we were still very much in love. Time went on, we went ring shopping, Bobby got laid off the week before he had a big proposal weekend planned, we got engaged, but all hell broke lose. Bobby stopped being able to make decisions on his own, and began using me as a device to punish himself for his wrong doings. We started couples therapy and Bobby ensured me that he was just going through a hard time, and all he wanted in the world was to marry me. We continued planning our wedding, there were rough times, but we loved each other. We had the most amazing week leading up to our wedding with friends and family, our wedding was perfect, our honeymoon was spectacular, then depression reared its ugly head and gnashed its relentless teeth.
I have been with Rob for nearly 7 years now and married for just under 11 months. I love Bobby, but I can't help but hate that my proposal weekend, my entire year of engagement, my honeymoon, and my everyday since has had a dark cloud of depression hanging over it. I will never get those things back, but all I really want is to get my Bobby back. I have stood by his side, for better or for worse, but I am ready to cash in my 'for better' card.
How much more of this can I take before I stop standing by his side and start standing by my side? How long am I supposed to subject myself to all this pain? How much worse is this going to get before things get better? Is there a 'for better' in our horizon?
